The smelliest farts

I want to inject apple juice directly into my bloodstream.

Nobody But Me

Don't go makin' potato pies without my company


The little metal piece that acts as a child-deterrent on a BiC lighter is called a crotch

Horses are stupid

I think the word "horse" should be spelled "whorse," because they are a bunch of stupid spoiled whores.

My aura

If I ever see a burning building, I will enter it, and anyone trapped inside will see me walking towards them with a protective aura around me protecting me from the fire. My clothes won't even burn.


Why in the world are lenses for cameras to shoot small object up close called macro lenses?  You don't look at small stuff through a macroscope!  Macro- is the opposite of micro-.

Neon colors

Neon is a chemical element.  A gas, not a color.  If people still want to [incorrectly] apply it to a color, it could at least be neon orange.

The formula of crotches

This is the formula of crotches.  The formula solves how many crotches something has, where x equals the number of legs something has.


Top front teeth gap

People with a gap between their two top front teeth are alcoholics.

Sandals and flip flops

There should be a law that legally changes your gender to female if you wear sandals or flip flops.


Unicycles are for idiots.  So are pogo sticks and stilts.


The other night I had this crazy crazy dream and it's affecting my brain more than others in the past.

I was in my room and it was dark.  I was trying to change settings on a surround sound receiver because it was staying on even though it was off.  I look down at my arm and it looks all anorexic.  I get into some light and from my shoulder to my elbow my arm is all gangrenous.  The triceps and all that skin are gone, and the skin on the biceps side is already black and peeling away.  A muscle and blood vein must have been still alive because everything on my forearm was OK and I could use my fingers, and I could move my forearm with my biceps.  So I go outside to the garage and ask my friends brother if he can take me to the hospital and he is refusing because he is too busy.  Then I wonder where my car is to find out his mom took it.  She comes pulling up returning home, and hits a curb, going like 2 mph and flips my car.  I flip out, and she gets all pissed at me for being pissed, despite my arm being almost gone.  Then I get my keys back and I drop them on the side of the street where water is flowing from rain and my keys float away.  She gets them and throws them at me.  So I venture back towards my car and I keep seeing random 5, 10, 20, 50, and 100 dollar bills floating in the gutter and in people's yards, so I figure I gotta get my arm amputated, I might as well consider this money mine, I'm gonna need it.  Then I head back towards my car and a bunch of hood rats are arguing with guns, but they leave me alone.  I go to start my car and that's when I wake up for real.

I have dreams a lot about nuclear war and they're disturbing, but this is weird and I'm paranoid about my arm contracting some kind of infection and rotting off.  I went and looked for pictures of gangrenous limbs and my dream pretty much seemed really realistic and graphic, and I never saw any imagery of that before in any form.

The Animal Kingdom

I am sick of how animals are classified.  It is too confusing with all the Greek names.  I have a simple way of classifying things.  Anything that flies will be a bird.  Anything on land will be animal.  Anything that swims is a fish.  It will also be dependent on where that creature is at said time.  If a bird is walking on land it will then be an animal.  An otter on land would be an animal, but a fish when it is in water.  Simple.


I am getting sick of CDs.  They sound like crap and have always sounded like crap.  They are fine for rap and any music that uses fake computer instruments, but I listen to classic rock.  Vinyl sounds better to me, and I don't care if they have less dynamic range.  It is analog directly from a high resolution studio source.  CDs also sound like crap because studios are making every sound the loudest that can possibly be, compressing the dynamic range to far below the theoretical dynamic range of vinyl, anyway.  My solution: my own standard, using DVD media as storage.  Studios would have to pass tests for that album to release it under this standard.  If they don't follow the rules and just slap a name on it, they will get bombed!  Metallica's last album, Death Magnetic, is a very loud album.  The CD is horrible, and the vinyl appears to be mastered from the CD, with just a tad bit less loudness.  The producer, Rick Rubin, gawks at criticisms about this and basically says that what he did was awesome and the loudness coincides with the type of music it is, and that only a minority complained about it.  Well this may be acceptable for the CD, but to release a vinyl that sounds like crap, and for people to pay over $100 for that, this is unacceptable.  That moron should be shot, but instead he was awarded a Grammy for "Producer of the Year."

The details:

  • Name: .segl (pronounced "dot seagull")
  • Format: 24 bit / 192 khz PCM stereo
  • Medium: DVD9, About 2h:03m of room
  • NO DRC or LOUDNESS WAR: This is the most important.  Good mastering is what makes music sound good.  Music with crazy DRC and complete loudness sounds like crap.
  • The loudest point on the whole album shall be -3 dB from peak.
  • Players should buffer ahead for layer change of DVD.

An even better format would be the same thing, but on a flash memory device of 8 GB.  Who gives a crap about copy protection?  Those schemes get broken by hackers in hours anyway, and it's just a waste to spend additional money on things that will get hacked.  Even people who download illegally don't give a crap about quality.  Most everything pop music out there is just 128 kbit VBR mp3.  Ripping from a source like this would make no difference to quality when compressed that much.  This would be an audiophile format, and should cost a little more just to try to ward off piracy.  My thoughts are that if you make good music, people will support you by buying your albums and going to your shows.  No artist ever went broke from having music being pirated.  If an artists cares so much about money and piracy, they suck anyway and are full of themselves.

Coma or catatonic

If I ever fall into a coma or become catatonic while I was asleep it is most likely because I had a dream about getting shot in the head, and in the dream I had severe brain damage and am a vegetable.  What I wish for people to do with me at that point is to take me to one of those sleep specialists, and detect when I hit REM after I go to sleep, or induce REM artificially.  Then while I'm dreaming a bunch of people and a doctor have to act like they are in the dream world, so I can hear them, and act like I am getting brain function back.  It might take a while but this is the only thing I see working.  I will then snap out of it once I regain a certain amount of function and I will be able to change back into reality.  This would probably work even in real life if I got shot in the head, to rebuild neuron connections and bring back brain function from mush.